The Memory of Love Page 15

Astounded, she searched for answers. Had he truly stayed because of her? Her heart did a quick but strangely comforting bounce. She had no memory of him, no recall of anything he might have said to her before the flood. That was true, but hadn’t she felt at ease with him since the very beginning? Hadn’t she missed him dreadfully while he had been gone?

  Yes, she could not deny it. Since the night he had entered the Solomon cabin and given Suzannah, and herself, a reason to believe that at least one child might survive, Callie had detected something familiar about him.

  But she didn’t remember him! How could she care deeply for someone she didn’t know? She shook her head, willing away the disturbing truth pushing at her. Determined to ignore what was staring her in the face, she turned back to Suzannah, who was watching her as if she followed every twist Callie’s mind was taking.

  “Will you help me plant more flowers over there?” Suzannah motioned to the graves. “I must add something to what you have already done. It will be my way of saying farewell.”

  “Flowers will not grow in the winter!” Callie exclaimed. Strange how quickly Suzannah had turned the conversation away from Joshua.

  “That is true,” Suzannah agreed, “but while I was hurting, you took it upon yourself to try to brighten up my babies’ resting places. It is only fitting that I do something to build upon your love. After months of listening to well-meaning speeches by Abe and a hundred others, perhaps it is time to put this behind me and move on.”

  “You mean …”

  “I cannot change the past, Callie, no matter how hard I pray, how many nights I fail to sleep, or how many tears I cry. God meant for me to have these children even though He was going to take them away.” Suzannah swiped at her cheeks. “Just as we all must face the truth someday, I have found it is time to move on. I will never forget them, but I can try to put the past behind me.”

  Abe had been worried that Suzannah was at a breaking point from which he could not draw her back. Suzannah was much stronger than most, Callie realized, stronger than she was herself, because she still held to a past she couldn’t remember.

  “I will help you.”

  She watched as Suzannah found a small patch of wild clover that still clung to life, though there had been several nights of light frost. Scooping it from the ground with her hands, Suzannah brought it to the graves and divided it into three segments.

  “This way they will all share something.” She patted the last bits of earth around the wilting green stems.

  “There is something missing though,” Callie said. She leaned over and whispered something in Suzannah’s ear.

  Suzannah grabbed the basket holding Hannah Grace and together they raced toward the river. They returned a short time later, their aprons laden with the small rounded stones known as “river biscuits.”

  Callie arranged the stones at the heads of each of the sites.

  “There,” she said, when tiny semicircles were completed and she had brushed her hands off on her dress. “In case anyone here doubts it, now they are earth’s angels as well as heaven’s angels.”

  “You have given them halos!” Suzannah’s gratitude was commingled with sobs, but they were not painful ones; they were tinged with acceptance and struck an answering cord deep in Callie.

  Peace seemed to flirt with her, and she squeezed Suzannah’s hand. No matter what happened in the future, they would share the bond that had sprung anew between them. A tie that bridged yesterday’s friendship with tomorrow’s hope. She admired Suzannah for having the strength to deal with her loss and move on. She only hoped someday she could do the same.

  “Did you think I would not see through your plan, Suzannah?”

  Callie walked to the far side of the room, crossed her arms in front of her, and waited. When she had hoped to learn to put the pain of the past behind her, she had not meant for it to happen just days after wishing for it.

  Suzannah paid no attention to Callie until Hannah was nursing quietly under a blanket. “I only did what I had to do. Otherwise, you would have avoided her for who knows how long.”

  “So you admit you planned it then?”

  “I had to or you would not have learned I trust you with her.”

  “I thought we settled the trust part at the cemetery?”

  “Between you and me, yes, that was taken care of.” Suzannah peeked at Hannah and settled back with a smile on her face.

  “Quit playing with words, Suzannah. What exactly are you saying?”

  “I am telling you it is time to quit regretting what has happened to you.”

  “I picked her up while you were gone. Is that not what you wanted me to do? Hold her so I would face the demons associated with her birth?”

  “Only because she was wailing so loudly that I could hear her over at my mother’s house.”

  That was true. Callie personally thought Hannah’s screams had been loud enough to frighten away enemies within a day’s travel.

  “Then why did you not come running to see what was wrong?”

  “You figure it out, Callie. I really do not feel like going through this again.”

  “You cannot lead me into a conversation and then just drop it! It is not fair.”

  Callie moved to the table and placed her palms on the top so that she was looking directly at Suzannah.

  Suzannah returned her stare. “What is not fair is you acting as if it were a great imposition that I trusted you with my child,” she replied.

  “Watching Hannah was not an imposition,” Callie rebutted.

  “It was …”

  Why was Suzannah being so obstinate?

  “What are you looking for? You want me to say it was a joy? A pleasure?”

  “Well?”

  “Suzannah!”

  Why was she having such a hard time admitting the truth?

  “It was a …”

  “Oh, all right,” Callie snapped. “It was not so bad. In fact, once she stopped screaming, it was, well, comforting that I had gotten her to stop.”

  It had been unsettling at first, but one look at that tiny scrunched-up face and she had swooped Hannah into her arms without thinking about the twin that would never enjoy life. Which was exactly what Suzannah had planned.

  “I see,” Callie murmured, unable to tell Suzannah she sensed she was right.

  “I am tired, Callie, but I will say this. God does not judge us by our yesterdays. What He does is watch to see how we learn from what happens to us and what we are going to do with tomorrow.”

  Callie pondered the words. Suzannah had done the only thing a true friend could—force another to face her pain so that she could move on.

  “Someday I will thank you for this, but right now I cannot think of when that will be.”

  Suzannah smiled, a smile that filled her whole face with joy. “It will be when you hold your own child and know that no matter what happens, you will always love them.”

  Strange that Suzannah’s announcement echoed the very thing Callie’s heart seemed to be saying.

  Chapter 13

  Callie? Brother David says you must go to sickroom.”

  Shadow’s use of the English language had improved enormously in the last year, but she watched his face as he spoke. Something did not look quite right, though she could not figure out what.

  “Who is it this time?” For the last three weeks she had run herself ragged treating one family after another as they suffered through a stomach illness. Just the thought that someone had been sequestered in the cabin set aside for the most serious of illnesses did not bode well.

  Shadow shrugged. “Cannot say. He just say you come.”

  With no idea what to expect, she grabbed her medicine bag, tucked her braid under her bonnet, and donned a cap donated by a handsome raccoon.

  Hurrying down the path, she tried to ignore a gust of wind that whipped heavy flakes against the ripening color on her cheeks. Ahead of her, Shadow’s lean form seemed to blend into the frozen tapestry of the
mission.

  As they fought to stand upright in the wind, the thought surfaced that perhaps Sarah had returned and Brother David was granting them privacy. Something clutched at the back of her throat. She didn’t realize she had slowed down until Shadow shook her arm.

  “Callie? He waits.” He motioned down the walkway covered with a lacy blanket of snow.

  He? Who? Brother David?

  No, if it were Brother David, Shadow would have told her so. Besides, she had seen him this morning at service and he had looked as healthy as ever.

  Levi?

  It must be. Her heart fell to her feet, which felt as if they were encased in blocks of ice. The tears in her eyes were caused by the bitter cold, she told herself, not because she was afraid of who waited for her in the cabin and what he would tell her about her sister.

  Then why couldn’t she shake the sense of impending doom? A cold chill unrelated to the weather shook her from head to toe. Something had happened to Sarah.

  Suzannah’s words of a few weeks ago came back to her. “God watches to see what we will do with what we have learned.”

  What would she do if Levi had brought bad news? How would she deal with that?

  Trust in God. He will see you through. She appreciated the fact that the little voice in her head seemed encouraging.

  The sound of Shadow pushing the heavy plank door open jerked her to the present, and she searched the interior. Facing away from her on the other side of the room sat a man. Midnight-black curls tugged at the neckline of his jacket. One leg was propped across the knee of the other, and one of his hands twirled a slouch hat crazily around in a small circle.

  The jolt to her heart was sufficient to cause her to gasp and drop the bag of herbs she had brought along. Shadow gave her a gentle push from behind, as if he knew she would not make it across the room any other way. With knees as sturdy as a pile of mashed corn, she wobbled toward him, trying to convince her now wildly tumbling heart to behave.

  Gracious God, thank You. The words were silent, filled with praise.

  She was vaguely aware that Shadow had remained by the door and that the floor was covered with hastily spread dried grass that was disturbed in several places. She barely noticed that there were no tables or shelves, only a few chairs upon one of which sat …

  “Joshua?”

  Had she said his name or simply mouthed it?

  She wanted to touch him to assure herself he was real, but she was so stunned to see him that she couldn’t move. Her breath was frozen in her chest. A roaring fire cast a soft glow over his silhouette, scattering sparks and ashes as a fine stream of smoke erupted from a log.

  He turned partway toward her, his profile made bold by the firelight and strengthened by the time he had been away.

  I need strength, Father. I cannot do this alone.

  “Calliope. I am glad you could come. Will you sit so we may talk?”

  It was not Levi. The relief was immense. Joshua was back! She clasped her hands in front of her apron. Looking at him was just a small pleasure, but if it was all she would get, she wanted it to be a memory that would last the rest of her life. The lake-blue gaze that had upset her world from the beginning was doing the same thing to her now.

  “My name is Callie,” she said, ignoring the excitement that swirled through her as she moved to sit in the chair across from him. She fiddled with the folds of her skirt, glad she was wearing the dress that was not as faded as the others. Finally, unable to bear not looking at him, she did.

  “You are injured!”

  “It is good to see you, too.”

  He is back!

  “I, well … of course, welcome back.” Her eyes traced the set of his mouth. “But you have a bandage on your cheek, and Shadow said Brother David asked me to come to the sickroom, and the only people we put in here are those who are suffering greatly and—”

  “You are concerned about how serious it is. Do not be. It is minor in the overall scheme of things.”

  Nothing would ever be minor where he was concerned.

  “Brother David has granted us time to speak privately, or as privately as we can with Shadow as an escort. There are things I must say, and I will not be deterred from saying them.”

  He is back!

  “Will you listen to me without judging too harshly?”

  “What is it about?” How outrageous I sound!

  “Different things, all of which I should have told you before now. But I need to know you will listen.”

  She nodded, unable to bring herself to say anything else for fear it would be the wrong thing.

  “You were Calliope long before you became Callie.”

  “Calliope?” She pronounced each syllable as slowly as he had.

  “Yes.”

  Her name sounded so good when he said it that she had to suck in her cheeks to prevent her dimples from blooming. I must remember why he is here, she warned herself. He has come to tell me about Sarah. That, and only that.

  “You should be resting,” she said.

  “After we talk.”

  He looked as if he had not slept in a week. His clothing was tattered and worn, one sleeve practically falling apart at the seams. It made him look more handsome, but why was she thinking of that? A commotion of unfamiliar feelings twittered through her.

  “There will be plenty of time for talk later.”

  She didn’t want to talk. She wanted to sit and absorb the changes in him while he had been gone. Tiny lines radiated from the edges of his eyes. Had they always been there?

  “What I have to say will not wait any longer,” he insisted.

  It was true. Something had happened to Sarah and he had come back to tell her. Callie shook her head to clear the threads of hope that kept crowding her thoughts. She had to focus on what he was saying instead of on what she felt when he looked at her.

  “Then tell me and get it over with.” She made her voice as flat as possible, which meant she had to ignore her churning heartbeat.

  He’s about to deliver bad news. Straighten your shoulders. Keep your head up. Put your hands in your lap. Do not let him see how much what he says upsets you.

  “I came back because I had no choice.”

  She was right. Bad news.

  “I see.”

  “You mean you remember me?”

  Callie was confused until she recalled Joshua had asked shortly after she had first met him if she remembered him yet.

  “No. I thought you meant you came back to tell me something bad happened to Sarah.”

  “As far as I know, she is fine. She and Levi are married and have returned to the Lord. Without their help, my captors might have succeeded in removing me from O-he-yo permanently.”

  Callie gave a silent prayer of thanks for Sarah and Levi’s spiritual health. It no longer mattered how Levi had behaved toward her, or who had been behind him and Sarah leaving Schoenbrunn. They had asked God’s forgiveness. That was what was important. She caught Joshua staring at her as if he expected her to say something. “Were you in danger while you were captured?” What a ridiculous question!

  “British soldiers thought I was a trapper who had taken their supplies. The only way out I saw was to pray—a lot. Every time they talked, I prayed. Out loud.”

  Nervous laughter bubbled from her lips, but Callie so liked the fact he had called on his faith for sustenance.

  “I had just fallen asleep one night when Sarah waltzed into camp,” he said. “She distracted the soldiers while Levi freed me. Of course, it took some doing to get to her away from them. But it was worth it. She risked her life for mine.”

  Callie gasped. Sarah had risked her life for Joshua! It didn’t take away the sting of her sister’s abrupt departure from Schoenbrunn, but it did help ease the guilt Callie had done something wrong in raising Sarah.

  “Well, if Sarah is fine, then why are you here?”

  Could she be any more blunt? He must wonder if she had any tact at all.

&nbs
p; “Because of you.”

  His eyes held hers prisoner, the intensity so overwhelming that she wondered if that was what was making her pulse pound in her ears.

  “Because I felt I at least owed it to you to see if you had recovered from your memory loss,” he finished.

  She forced her face to remain calm, though it was the last thing she felt like doing. Of course that would be the reason. Suzannah had said he had come here because he loved her. Oh, for the courage to ask if that was true!

  “I have not.”

  “I can help with some of it.”

  “Please do.” She sounded so polite, she thought she might get sick.

  He nodded. “You lived in the orphanage my parents ran. From what they tell me, your mother brought you and your year-old sister to us. Father says she meant to come back for you.”

  Callie was touched that he had thought to tell her that. She had always wondered why she had been abandoned. Joshua made it sound as if something had happened to prevent her mother from returning. That in itself was some comfort. Perhaps she had not been cast off as she had always thought.

  “I was luckier than you, for I had my parents, but that did not mean you were not loved.”

  Joshua related what he recalled of living there while growing up. His mother read nightly to all of them then would hug and kiss each child before they were sent off to bed. As a giant herd, the twenty or so children that lived there would sometimes splash in the creek that ran behind their “home.”

  Callie sensed immediately it was that creek that had torn apart the only life she had known, but she did not interrupt him. She let him speak, admiring his eyes as they alternated between sadness and elation.

  “The flood destroyed everything we owned,” he continued. “I did not want to let you go with the Moravians, but my parents insisted I attend medical school. They convinced me it was for the best. I regret that choice.” He paused.

  Callie hoped he meant what she thought he did.

  “One day,” Joshua said, “Father insisted everyone should learn to ride. Trouble was, the horses he hired were much too big for the little ones, and most of them ended up standing in the middle of the porch and crying. Your sister was one of them.”